I'm A Silly Mami: IVF: Shattered Dreams   

Sunday, September 1, 2013

IVF: Shattered Dreams

20130901_211704 Two weeks ago we started our IVF journey again. This time around we did a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with the two embies we had left. Anyone who’s gone through IVF knows how stressful the two week wait (2ww) or (tww) can be. Our last IVF was 3.5 years ago and I knew right away that I was pregnant even before I went in for my beta test (blood test).


During the two week wait you are on an emotional roller coaster. Every single cramp, twinge or change to your body totally messes with your head. You do the opposite of what you’re not supposed to do – scour the IVF and pregnancy forums or take a HPT. It’s one fucking head game. Week one seemed like all was going well. I felt pretty much like I did when I was pregnant with my daughter – crampy as hell and like there was popcorn popping in the oven – twinges all over the place but things seemed to have slowed down during week two and I barely felt anything at all. You totally start to analyze every.single.feeling. The drugs that you have to take totally wreak havoc with your system. I used to be afraid of needles but now, taking 3 shots a day is nothing. 

Today was my beta and it was a BFN (big fat negative). My appointment in Boston was at 9AM and I got the call at 1:30. That wait was way worse than the damn 2ww. I told the nurse I knew it was going to be negative –it just didn’t feel the same as the last time and I was ok until the end of the call and started crying. I’m all about the positive and kept telling myself that it was going to take. She wanted to go through the phone and hug me. I was home alone when I received the call – hubs had taken Buggy to see the “ol’ bag” for a few hours. As soon as I hung up with her I completely lost it. I cried so much, so hard for almost an hour.

While I was waiting to have my blood drawn I saw on the news that a newborn was found in a dumpster. I think the baby was alive. After my BFN I thought of that baby. I was so fucking angry. Here I am going through hell trying to have a baby and some fucking inconsiderate bitch just throws out her baby like it was trash. So many of us praying and hoping for our miracles and blessings… she makes me sick! I hope they find her and rip out her ovaries so she never has another baby again. There are safe houses she could have brought the baby to.

20130815_184915We will try for another fresh IVF cycle hopefully next month once the IVF drugs are out of my system but we’re on a crunch now. Cutoff for IVF here is 44 – I have until November and right now I am SOOOOO very grateful and blessed for my beautiful and amazing daughter.  I nursed until she was 32 months and should have started this journey again back in December but time moves so fast and it escapes you.


My Stats:

2/14/06 – Ectopic Pregnancy

11/2006 – 1st Failed IVF

5/11/2007 – 2nd IVF attempt – Just starting but had a T.I.A (mini stroke) and had to stop, also found a hole in my heart (PFO)

2/18/2008 – Repaired PFO

4/4/2009 – 1st IFV attempt at Mass General –Success!

8/20/2013 – FET – Failed – BFN

For all of  my IVF Sisters out there, my heart goes out to you. I’m praying and hoping you have your BFP!



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