Tuesday, July 26, 2011
My Ectopic Pregnancy
Hubby and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Knowing the statistics of trying to have a baby in your mid 30's we decided to try right away. Of course trying to have a baby when you travel so much for work isn't easy. I started travelling for work in February on Valentine's Day 2005 - how's that for spending your first Valentine's as a married couple. Like many of you who were really trying to get pregnant, it is fun at first but sometimes it felt like a job - the pressure and the stress to reach your goal. And every month you were disappointed when aunt flo reared her ugly head.
A year to the day, I was travelling in Ohio, a small little town about two hours from Cleveland. I was with a colleague and that morning we had just finished breakfast and were getting ready to go meet our client. All of a sudden I didn't feel well. I got really hot, sweaty and pale and it really felt like I had to go the bathroom. I told my colleague to go ahead without me and I would meet her in a bit. After an hour I was still not feeling well and was having some pain on my right side - I'm thinking oh crap I think it's appendicitis. I called Jen and told her that I think I needed to go to the hospital. She came right away and off we went. As soon as I walked into the ER they whisked me off to the back and started working on me. I was so amazed at how they handled that. No questions on insurance, no take a seat and the nurse will be right with you, just wheeled me in the back and started an IV, took some blood work and they gave me this horrible crap to drink since everything pointed to appendicitis.
All the while I still had not called my husband to tell him what was going on. I didn't want to call him and worry him and not have any answers for him. All of a sudden the Dr. comes rushing into the room and tells me to stop drinking the crap because the blood work came back positive on the pregnancy test. I was shocked! Actually I was beyond shocked. I had been waiting for years to hear those words - Positive Pregnancy test - this was not how I imagined it would happen.
The Dr. said it looks like an Ectopic Pregnancy and I would need emergency surgery. I was in so much pain but the drugs were making me feel soooo good. Finally I had to call my husband and break the news. Even while talking to him I still couldn't believe it. It was like they were talking about someone else. Me? Pregnant? Are you sure? Jen got on the phone and called our boss to update him and he called my husband. They made arrangements for him to take the next flight out to Cleveland to be with me. In the meantime the OB Surgeon was already in surgery and I need to wait and be evaluated by him. That didn't happen until later that afternoon.
When I finally met the OB he said everything seems to be pointing to an Ectopic Pregnancy. He put some pressure on my right side and when he let go it felt like someone had punched you in the gut and knocked the wind out of you. I couldn't fricken breathe and wanted to punch his lights out for doing that. The pain was so intense. He say's "yup its an ectopic". Really! Like you couldn't fricken tell without applying that pressure!!!
I was being prepped for surgery and my husband still had not arrived. I remember being in the OR in a daze from the meds and their talking to me about how I'll be going out - counting backwards from 100, etc. I remember they wanted me to lay down and I kept fighting them because I couldn't breathe. I remember them trying to hold me down and I kept saying I couldn't breathe and how scared I was.
I woke up in recovery with the nurses hovering over me and talking to me. They kept asking me how I was doing? Who knows - I was so out of it I could have said anything. I do remember that I just kept going back to sleep. When I finally got back to my room Jen and Jim were waiting for me. My husband looked so worried but I could tell that he was trying to be strong and didn't want me to worry. Jim isn't one to show emotion so he'll make lite of tough situations to try and make me feel better. Everything went well and the drugs were making me feel good. They had to remove my right Fallopian Tube. Yea that sucked. My only concern was will I still be able to get pregnant.
I saw Dr. Cal, my OB surgeon the next morning. He told me that my tube had ruptured and that I was about two months pregnant. Five years later I still remember the pictures they should me of what the tube looked like, the little blob that was my baby. Since it was laparascopic surgery I would be discharged later that day. I had a follow up to see Dr. Cal in a few days so off we went to our hotel room to re-cooperate.
You know, the funny thing prior to this was that for a few months I knew there was something wrong with me. I am ALWAYS on time with my period and I kept having pain on my side on and off for awhile. I did go to my doctor but everything always came back fine. But I knew, I just knew there was something going on. I know my body to a T and the fact that I was also getting break through bleeding was another sign but blood work kept coming up negative. Ladies, you need to push for more answers, more test. If you know there is something wrong keep bugging them. You are the only one that knows your body. All this shit went down on Tuesday, Valentine's Day 2006. What a way to celebrate. Back home we had a friend stay at the house to watch my babies. My male boxer - Nick was not doing well and I was very worried about him and couldn't wait until Friday to fly back home.
Once I got back home my babies knew there was something wrong with Mami and showered me with hugs and kisses. I missed my "kids". It really wasn't until I got home that the emotions started to hit me. I had to keep saying "I was pregnant" because I still couldn't believe it. I was an emotional rollercoaster but my focus was on Nick. Nick was 12 and had Congestive Heart Failure. I would sleep on the living room floor with him and even with my stitches I would carry this 70lb dog outside to potty if I needed to. I didn't care what was happening to me, my baby needed me. I knew we were at the end with Nick. It was just a matter of time and over the weekend Nick looked at me and said "Mami it's time". I lost it. They always say that your dog will let you know when they are ready to go. Even now I'm balling my eyes out. So I forced myself to make the call to the vets. Our appointment was for Tuesday, Feb 21.
In one week I lost two babies. Loosing Nick hurt much more than the ectopic. I could not relate to the pregnancy because I didn't know I was pregnant. Other than the surgery, it still didn't seem real to me. That day at the vets was one of the worst days of my life. My hormones were raging. One minute I was fine and the next I was crying hysterically. I am Catholic but I had been angry with God so many times that I didn't know if I still considered myself one. I just kept asking Him why? After trying to have a baby for so long, why did this happen? Why would He then take my other baby during a time like this? There are never any answers other than "Everything happens for a Reason". When people say that you just wanna tell them to go fuck themselves. They have no idea what you are going through and they have no idea what to say and that just seems like the most logical thing. For me it was better if you told me you didn't know what to say, you have no idea what I'm going through. Don't say anything, just sit there and be with me. That is enough.
I took about a month off from work. I knew I needed the time and was glad that my boss was ok with it. It was difficult seeing my friends with babies and going to baby showers. My neighbor and one of my girlfriends and I were "pregnant" at the same time. Seeing my neighbor with her child is a constant reminder of our loss. Our kids would be the same age, they would have played together. It took a long time for me to go through all the stages of grief. Its not easy process but you do get through it. You just have to give yourself time and be patient.