Trying to conceive has never been easy for me. It took us five years to have our daughter and that was after one failed IVF and an ectopic pregnancy. For many of us who are on this journey to be called mom either for the first time or second or third, it is quite the stressful, emotional roller coaster.
I have been asking myself this question for the last few months. Was I pregnant and miscarried? As strange as it may sound, although I’ve heard it many times, I knew when that magic moment happened. It was just a gut feeling, but for the following weeks, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I kept questioning it. I had so many of the same symptoms I was feeling when I was pregnant with my daughter but yet I didn’t think I was. Maybe it was my mind playing with me, you know how mental masturbation can be. You know when you want something so bad that you imagine it but you can’t imagine the headaches I was having, being tired so much, bloated, gassy and I ate more hamburgers in one month than I’ve had in a year. These were all symptoms I experienced during my first pregnancy except for the eating part. They say that your second pregnancy you start to show much sooner and most days I was looking like I was about 4 months! I would lay in bed at night and feel the fluttering in my belly like I did when I was pregnant and I would wonder, am I or… But when we did IVF my dogs knew we were pregnant before we did. After I got home from the embryo transfer I had two dogs on each side of me every single time I was on the couch for 9 months. No dogs next to me this time.
At that time I was also moving furniture around between two bedrooms. My husband was out golfing so I was doing it alone. I remember thinking well, what if I am, I shouldn’t be doing this but I continued since I had already started and wanted to finish. At some point I turned on the light in the room and the lights flickered and I heard lots of sparks coming from the switch. Something that never happened before and hasn’t happened since. I believe our loved ones who have passed are always with us and I think that what happened with the lights may have been a sign from my parents perhaps to tell me to stop all the heavy lifting. I remember thinking the wiring may be shot or something and will have someone look at it. I didn’t want my daughter trying to turn the light on and get zapped. It wasn’t until later that I thought it may have been a sign.
I had taken two or three pregnancy tests and all were negative. I thought maybe it was a false negative because I’m not taking any IVF meds to help boost my levels. I had the usual cramping that you get when you are going to get your period but I was about a week or two away from actually getting it. When you do IVF you have to wait two weeks after the transfer of the embryos to find out if you are pregnant or not. Those two weeks are absolute torture and I had the cramps and was scared I was going to have another failed IVF so see, another reason why I thought I was pregnant so I prayed some more and stayed positive.
Unfortunately, a few days later I got my period a few days earlier than expected. It was the heaviest period I’ve ever had and some other unusual stuff happening so I knew. I was heart broken. I felt like my dreams of having more babies without having to go through IVF were slipping by. I’m 42 and had to have one tube removed when I had the ectopic so my chances are pretty slim. After a few weeks I finally went to see my doctor and although there was nothing they could have done she agreed that I could have been pregnant and miscarried. I guess I also wanted someone to say yes it was possible or no, your definitely crazy. It’s been a few months now and I still can’t stop thinking about it. I wonder if had I not been moving all that stuff and taken it easy would I have been ok? What if…, so many what if’s. It was then that I thought about the light switch situation. Was that a warning sign? I guess only God knows. Slowly my headaches started to disappear, I no longer cared to eat burgers and wasn’t as tired but it’s going to take a bit for my body to get back to normal and loose the weight I gained. Slowly I’m getting there.
I never told my husband about what was going on until after my dr.’s appointment. He sucks at consoling you and in fact he usually makes me feel worse. He really tries but he never knows what to say and usually says the wrong things. But I have to talk about it, I need to talk about it so here I am talking about it. I still cry when I think about it – it just sucks. But I guess if I want to have more babies I need to get Buggy off the boobs so I can do IVF again.
For those of you who have gone through a miscarriage, I’m sorry and I wish I could reach out and hug you. I know how hard and painful it is. I wish you all luck on your journey.