I'm A Silly Mami: Was I Pregnant And Miscarried?   

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Was I Pregnant And Miscarried?

Trying to conceive has never been easy for me. It took us five years to have our daughter and that was after one failed IVF and an ectopic pregnancy. For many of us who are on this journey to be called mom either for the first time or second or third, it is quite the stressful, emotional roller coaster.

I have been asking myself this question for the last few months. Was I pregnant and miscarried? As strange as it may sound, although I’ve heard it many times, I knew when that magic moment happened. It was just a gut feeling, but for the following weeks, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I kept questioning it. I had so many of the same symptoms I was feeling when I was pregnant with my daughter but yet I didn’t think I was. Maybe it was my mind playing with me, you know how mental masturbation can be. You know when you want something so bad that you imagine it but you can’t imagine the headaches I was having, being tired so much, bloated, gassy and I ate more hamburgers in one month than I’ve had in a year.  These were all symptoms I experienced during my first pregnancy except for the eating part.  They say that your second pregnancy you start to show much sooner and most days I was looking like I was about 4 months! I would lay in bed at night and feel the fluttering in my belly like I did when I was pregnant and I would wonder, am I or… But when we did IVF my dogs knew we were pregnant before we did. After I got home from the embryo transfer I had two dogs on each side of me every single time I was on the couch for 9 months. No dogs next to me this time.

At that time I was also moving furniture around between two bedrooms. My husband was out golfing so I was doing it alone. I remember thinking well, what if I am, I shouldn’t be doing this but I continued since I had already started and wanted to finish. At some point I turned on the light in the room and the lights flickered and I heard lots of sparks coming from the switch. Something that never happened before and hasn’t happened since. I believe our loved ones who have passed are always with us and I think that what happened with the lights may have been a sign from my parents perhaps to tell me to stop all the heavy lifting. I remember thinking the wiring may be shot or something and will have someone look at it. I didn’t want my daughter trying to turn the light on and get zapped. It wasn’t until later that I thought it may have been a sign.

I had taken two or three pregnancy tests and all were negative. I thought maybe it was a false negative because I’m not taking any IVF meds to help boost my levels. I had the usual cramping that you get when you are going to get your period but I was about a week or two away from actually getting it. When you do IVF you have to wait two weeks after the transfer of the embryos to find out if you are pregnant or not. Those two weeks are absolute torture and I had the cramps and was scared I was going to have another failed IVF so see, another reason why I thought I was pregnant so I prayed some more and stayed positive.

Unfortunately, a few days later I got my period a few days earlier than expected. It was the heaviest period I’ve ever had and some other unusual stuff happening so I knew. I was heart broken. I felt like my dreams of having more babies without having to go through IVF were slipping by. I’m 42 and had to have one tube removed when I had the ectopic so my chances are pretty slim. After a few weeks I finally  went to see my doctor and although there was nothing they could have done she agreed that I could have been pregnant and miscarried. I guess I also wanted someone to say yes it was possible or no, your definitely crazy.  It’s been a few months now and I still can’t stop thinking about it. I wonder if had I not been moving all that stuff and taken it easy would I have been ok? What if…, so many what if’s. It was then that I thought about the light switch situation. Was that a warning sign? I guess only God knows. Slowly my headaches started to disappear, I no longer cared to eat burgers and wasn’t as tired but it’s going to take a bit for my body to get back to normal and loose the weight I gained. Slowly I’m getting there.

I never told my husband about what was going on until after my dr.’s appointment. He sucks at consoling you and in fact he usually makes me feel worse. He really tries but he never knows what to say and usually says the wrong things. But I have to talk about it, I need to talk about it so here I am talking about it. I still cry when I think about it – it just sucks. But I guess if I want to have more babies I need to get Buggy off the boobs so I can do IVF again.

For those of you who have gone through a miscarriage, I’m sorry and I wish I could reach out and hug you. I know how hard and painful it is. I wish you all luck on your journey.

Irene

16 comments:

  1. Miscarriages are so hard. Don't beat yourself up over anything that happened. It's not your fault!

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  2. Oriana from MommyhoodsdiaryJune 5, 2012 at 11:17 AM

    Hello Irene! It is my first time visiting your blog. I had a miscarriage too and It is terrible. Please do not blame yourself... People say that God has perfect plans the problem is that he does not inform us. ((HUGS))

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  3. S. Yissele GalloJune 5, 2012 at 12:09 PM

    Dear Irena I understand you, I hope you can overcome it, my best wishes for health and love always.

    I like your blog and I follow you for GFC, FB, Twitter, Stm, yutube and Pinterest! I hope to keep in touch.

    HAPPY WEEK!
    http://www.mamiholisticaygenial.com/

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  4. Irene, I know how difficult a miscarriage is having been through one myself. I was a few weeks when it happened, and had hardly started to show, but the feelings are the same. I always remember that baby of mine, and hope to meet him or her one day.

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  5. Hi Maria,

    I'm sorry for your loss. I know I will see my babies one day too.  thanks for stopping by.

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  6. Aww, honey. No words of advice or anything, just ((((HUGS))))  Been there twice myself and it is not easy.

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  7. I had 2 miscarragies, and it was so hard, esp my late miscarriage, that really broke my heart, but I know God knows best, and I trust him in all that he does.  Please dont beat yourself up, nothing is your fault, the Lord will make away.

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  8. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this.  I can't imagine what it is like and I'll be praying that God will give you strength to get through it.

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  9. Irene... my heart goes out to you.  I too had trouble conceiving my children, more so my first and my third.  I never had to do IVF, but had weeks upon weeks of taking clomid and doing a basal temperature chart. After a year and a half I was blessed with my first born.  Three years went by and my Lord surprised my with my second son... however my last baby, a daughter, she took fifteen years to bless my life at the age of 43.    I know that after the fact for me, is not the same of what you are going through now... however I completely understand your heart right now.  All I can say is not to question the "what ifs".. you will go crazy and get depressed to boot... You did however say "Only God knows"... with that said... leave it in his hands, he has plans for you.  Trust in Him.  He will come through for you, as always.  Peace and blessings, Carla

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  10. My heart goes out to you.  It's a heart breaking thing to loose a child.  I'm sending you a hug. 

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  11. Thank you Veronica! Still can't stop thinking about it and I seem to see pregnant women everywhere now

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  12. thank you so much Carla and thank you for sharing your story - I appreciate it. I try and force myself not to think about it much because you do go crazy. I trust He knows what He's doing so I just have to leave it at that. It's so tough tho. I hope he remembers how old I am -LOL! 

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  13. Thanks Hezzi, I appreciate it. Thanks for stopping by.

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  14. Thank you Pamela, I appreciate your kind words. I'm so sorry for your loss as well.  thanks for stopping by. umm, can I have one of your delicious cupcakes now??

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  15. Thank you so much. So much that we go through as moms/ to become moms. The road isn't always an easy one. Thanks for stopping by.

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  16. Hola Oriana,

    Thanks for stopping by.  The road to mamihood isn't always an easy one but through it all, the rewards are tremendous. 

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